Poem: What do I do?

Would someone please tell me how to do this?
How do I fight this never ending battle with pain?
I fight with all I have- with all my being
and still I live in this world of pain-
this place where my only hope is to keep the pain at a tolerable level- but still a level that to most would be torturous?

"What shall I do?" I ask
And do I fight with medicine- medicine that can be poison.
And then I fight with devices implanted in my skull- not caring that they are experimental.
And I ask the brightest minds and I give this fight all I have-and then I lose all.
It takes my language skills, my ability to think, and finally my world goes black and I collapse a dozen times from yet another disorder.

Yet the fight goes on.
I wonder if it will kill, but it doesn't.
And all I want and pray and hope for is for this monster to banished from my body.
Lord, why do you let your servants suffer so?
Am I like the blind man, born so some strange miracle can be revealed in me?
Or am I like Job, born to prove that faith will win in the end?
Or am I like Thomas, doubting till the proof is in front of me?
I ask these questions and answer "yes and no."
I am like all and, yet, like none of these great figures. I am only a wretched servant crying for peace, mercy and redemption.
But one day, one distant, far off day, in this world or the next, you will free from this life of pain and breathe into me new life- a life of hope.

Poem: The Mask

"Perk up," I am told, "Perk up!"
And so I am expected to put on a smiling face, be gracious, and play the part, betraying nothing of what I really feel, of the pain that I am in,
of my longing to crawl into a bed, curl up in a ball, and pray for this to go away.
But, dutifully, I play the part again-
Just so you won't have to see the pain or witness this horrible battle;
For I hate the pain, too.
But the part is exhausting and my weary eyes reveal the cost.
The mask is cracking beneath the weight of pain.
I long to take it off and say, "No, I shall not play the part today."
To tell you, that, for once, the pain is winning and that all I want to do is sleep until it ends.
But it will hurt you too much to see the battle, so I will put on the mask.
And each night I pray for this disease to release its grip on me, for the pain to lift, for medicine to work, and then I will not have to wear the mask.
For then, I shall be free.

Introduction

Welcome! This blog is about my life with constant fainting, also known as Neurocardiogenic Syncope, and New Daily Persistent Headache. I write a good deal and though this would be a good venue for some of my thoughts.  Don't worry, it is not all about pain and this blog is completely painless.