A weary soldier

Here I am again fighting this battle once again.

Standing on the field, I fight the twin armies of migraine and dysautonomia,

And for once, I am losing ground.

I am battle weary, tired, and distraught

Every time, I beat the enemy back, it seems to fight back more

Tired, weary beyond words, I will settle for a short retreat and a rest.

I know I will not win today.

Suddenly, I am felled by the enemy, I lie on the field weary, but grateful for rest.

I lay down my arms for a minute and give into the diseases, losing myself for a time in the fray.

I crawl to a refuge that stands beneath a cross

And there I rest, and know that I may have lost this day, but with the help of that great, conquering Cross, I shall not lose the war.

I lay down my sword for a while, enter the church, strip off my armor, and all emotion and pain comes out then- emotions I cannot speak to the world, pain that would scare others, come as tears poured out at the foot of the cross, and there I will find strength to fight on, but now I shall rest awhile. 

The Price of a good day

It was a marvelous spring day,

And for once I had a brief respite from pain,

And this made the day brighter,

The simple sound of wind blowing through the trees,

The smell of roses in the air

And the cloudless sky seemed to proclaim the new, crisp season of spring.

It was a day when one could look up and say, as the poet once did,

“God’s in heaven, all’s right with the world.”

And on that day, I tasted freedom, briefly.

I woke, longing for a repeat of that glorious day,

Instead, I found myself in the midst of battle again

First, the migraine robbed me of language for a while,

Then the fainting began again.

Battle weary, I try to fight with every weapon that I know

I fight with medication, with prayer, with all my being,

But I have trouble holding ground.

My weary body sounds the retreat, but my spirit longs for those moments of peace.

So here I am again- fighting for another day.

Curled up and crying, I give in to emotion raging between the disease and myself.

How do you measure days like this?

Is there a magic formula somewhere?

That tallies the price of good days?

If so, how much does one cost?

Is the price of one good day, two bad days or three?

And if so, how much will it cost to be free of this,

To rise and know that I will be ok?

But, no matter the cost, one day I will win this battle, and with the grace of God, I will not have to pay for days anymore.

A Brief History of Migraines

I am going to depart from my usual poetry to convey a brief history of migraines and treatment. Regular programming will resume shortly.

Headaches have been around as long as man has walked the earth. Headaches are certainly one of the oldest and most catalogued diseases of mankind-noted in every great civilization.

-Trepanation- drilling a hole in the skull to let out "evil spirits" was probably one of the first treatments for migraines. One of the treatments described in Mesopotamian scrolls in 3OOOBC and Egyptian scrolls. 

-15OO BC- The Egyptians also believed that tying a clay statue of a crocodile to the sufferers head would get rid of the headache. 

428-347BC- Plato- one of the greatest thinkers of the western world- describes his belief that headaches occur because people pay too much attention to the body. (Unfortunatly, this view is still with us.}

Hippocrates- Described headaches with aura and nausea, attributed the cause to vapors rising up from the stomach and therefore used to purge sufferers.

Galen- 127-199AD- father of modern medicine- described migraines in detail- and believed they were caused by an imbalance of “yellow bile”, one of the four humours.

-Arabic physicians of the same period used hot pokers stuck in the patients ear to drive away headaches.

-In the middle ages, very little could be done about headaches- there was willow bark and opium, if you were lucky.

1712- term megrim is coined.

-During the age of reason- 17^th and 18^th century- William Harvey described migraines in more detail. Samuel Taylor Coleridge and others resorted to laudanum- a mixture of opium and alcohol to cure their headaches. In some cases it led to addiction.

-Lewis Carol- wrote Alice in Wonderland and Through the looking glass after experiencing Migraine Auras and visiting opium dens to cure his migraines, though he did become addicted.

1938- Harold Wolf advocates use of ergotamine for migraines.

As more is known about the brain and migraines- preventatives- mainly anti-depressants are prescribed.

1993- The first triptan hits the market

Today- preventives are still used. Opium and its derivatives are still the frontline treatment for pain, and many stigmas  remain. But, at least we are making progress. 

Through the lens

I've seen it a hundred times, the fear in others eyes when I come to after fainting.
To me, the fall is normal-
I stand and then, in the blink of an eye, I fall, flying through space for a moment before coming crashing down like a stone or a cartoon character who has just discovered that he walked off a cliff unwittingly.
I come to, on a carpet, or a hardwood floor with people staring at me.
Thier eyes are wide with fear for me.
But I never thought I would see that fear in my own eyes.
I watch the scene the camera has captured, the video of the fall
Standing one minute, my face changes, my eyes stare blankly, as though all thought is slowing down, already preparing for the fall,
And then it happens- I fall.
It is frightening to watch, but now I finally understand the fear of others, but only through the lens.
For though I see it in what the camera captures, I know I will fall again, but I know I will rise again and one day, I can face it without fear.

The Star

The Star: a meditation on Genesis

I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, 17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, 18 and through your offspring^[a] all nations on earth will be blessed,^[b] because you have obeyed me.” Genesis 22:16-18

The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him John 1:9-1O

I sometimes wonder if that lonely star, which shines for me,  flickers constantly?

Does it flicker when I fall, when I stray, to indicate what is happening?

When I fall, does it flash like a news bulletin or a bright emergency light?

Or does it show not what is in the physical body, but what is in the heart?

If it shows the inside- is it bright? Or dark? Can it be seen in the night sky?

Does it shine over my head night after night, a silent, unknown sentinel, who will not falter or fall, but remain despite the change?

Does the light from it have a long perilous journey?

I don’t know the answers, for they lie with the maker of the stars, who is the maker and source of us all.

I do know, that, in the shadow of that light which entered this world, and which is the light of all men, my star is dim, but it shines only because of him.

And truly it is that Light, the light that the darkness will never overcome, the light that became man, the word in flesh, who dwelt among us, and fulfilled the promise, it is that star I shall follow.

And in this dark, and perilous journey when I falter, fall, or scream, it is that light which leads me on and grants me the gift of peace, which passes all understanding. 

Falling Down

Everyday, I fall through space,

In that one moment-time seems to slow and I move as though I have wings,

Then I crash down, the small moment of peace dissolves into mist

And into the fear on others faces.

And so I stand up and show them I am ok, that this is normal,

But I want to scream it isn’t.

And I want that one moment, where there is no pain, but flight to last a little longer.

Still, I must rise and conquer this thing.

I am once again stuck here-

Wondering if I am doomed to fall forever

Praying there will be a cure

And praying for the pain to end

And one day, one glorious day, it will happen and I will not have to explain my actions to everyone. But I will live, and live in joy.