On Fear

I have seen it more times than I can count-

that look of fear deep in your eyes as you witness another fall.
I have seen it in the eyes of friends and strangers,
And because of this, my first thought upon coming to, no matter how scared I am is to show the world I am alright, even when I am not.
The problem is that I am scared too- I am afraid that one day, I will not bounce back quickly enough to calm the others, that I will cry and the world will know just how hard it is to maintain this façade. I am afraid that one day, something other than my pride could be lost to a disease that doctors are refusing to understand- one that is not normal, one for which there is no textbook..
I fall through space again, and come too on the hard concrete of the driveway, and there I see the fear where I have never seen it before- in the eyes of my father- a man of medicine, a man of science, a man who desperately wants to take this from his child, but can’t.
Then I remember something- that the only way to conquer fear is to live with it. And in the silence I remember all the words that give me comfort and I gaze upon a cross and know that the man who conquered death itself and gives us new life will be with me until this ends and until answer is found, will give me hope and strength and suddenly, I am no longer alone.

August Headache and Migraine Blog Carnival

The August Headache and Migraine Blog Carnival is up at Migraine and Headache Disorders blog. Follow the link and check it out!
http://www.migraineandheadacheblog.com/2011/08/august-2011-headache-and-migraine-disease-blog-carnival-favorite-post-of-the-month.html#tpe-action-posted-6a00d8341ce97953ef01539086f258970b

Happy Reading to ALL.

Trench warfare?

Here I am again- standing on this battlefield that is my life.

Trying to run from one trench to another, to reach safety and hold back the relentless and merciless enemy.

I stand- paralyzed with pain and fear-between two trenches.

I feel the pain explode like a shell and stand as the force of it attempts to fell me.

My heart races and I fall into the darkness. .

I come to on the ground and crawl to the trench, where it is slightly safer.

This battle has no grand name; no treaties will be signed to end the war.

No heroic songs will be sung for the soldiers here.

For this field is unlike any other- this field is a body and this is the battle between pain and darkness, between pain and fainting.

I touch the cross in my pocket and know that I will be at peace one day. One blessed day this field shall turn from red to green and all shall be made right in God. 

St. Crispin's Day Speech

October 25, 1413- Agincourt, France
The British and French armies meet for battle in one of the most decisive battles of the Hundred Years War. In four hours, the flower of French knighthood is decimated by the yeoman archers of England, led by Henry V. This speech from Shakespeare's play Henry V immortalizes the battle and has always given me just as much courage as it can. Enjoy!

WESTMORELAND

O that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those men in England
That do no work to-day!

KING HENRY V

What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin:
If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires:
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England:
God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more, methinks, would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made
And crowns for convoy put into his purse:
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

from http://shakespeare.mit.edu/henryv/henryv.4.3.html

Poem: Somewhere

Somewhere

Somewhere there is a child on a field of green who feels the pain in her head

And doesn’t know that her entire life has changed in an instant.

Somewhere there is a teenager scared in an Emergency Room who has lost the ability to speak and is scared because it this disease has taken what she loves most. Language,

Somewhere a mother receives a call telling her that he 18 year old has had a stroke,

Her eyes glow wide with relief, when she finds out it is simply the disease.

Somewhere there is a teenager nicknamed “Advil” in the yearbook,

With the strength to smile and wear it as a badge of honor given by friends

Somewhere a student is explaining to a professor that this disease has the ability to take her away from class and strand her in a dark room

In a crowded dorm room, the same student is dictating a note to a friend telling them that once again the disease has robbed her of language

Somewhere her friends are taking her to the ER, kicking and screaming, willing to fight for her, a battle she cannot fight herself

Somewhere she feels the touch of God in a cold chapel and knows what she must do and so she goes forth, denying herself, taking her cross and following the one who called her.

She feels the defeat of losing the fight, of losing a job, and crying for it.

Still, the letter comes and she follows to seminary.

Somewhere she meets a Marine who will guide her and four others, the man who will draw a military plan, and walk through fire to make sure she is ok.

In a hospital room, she struggles to breathe as the medicine drips too quickly into her veins and the marine sits by her side and knows she will triumph.

A professor walks in and asks the most terrifying question she has ever heard “How did it feel to be that close to death?” She answers with a jibe and lives to tell the tale.

She sits on the couch crying because she can’t spend time with her mother or her friends.

She dreams of love, life, and fights for both, she wants to help anyone she can and she does.

Somewhere a phone rings and a friend will talk her down through hell, and tell her that she is worthy and wonderful, though she does not know it herself.

Somewhere a mother sits on a couch watching her children play quietly because Mom hurts, but they love her and will learn to live with her strength and power and intellect.

And the child on the field sits in the bleachers hoping the pain will leave her and her mother tells her she will be ok.