A Letter to Mom

I used to run to you when I got hurt because you were the only one who could take it away.

You dried my tears, told me everything would be ok and held me.

You taught me so many things- you taught me to live despite pain, you taught me to put others first.

You are my mother and you did what mothers do.

When the headache began, you dropped everything-traveled to another state and took care of me. You thought nothing of spending a night next to hospital bed when my brother was getting married in 2 days, and you managed to be there for both of us then.

You told me that I could always call you- no matter the pain, because you would rather hear from me than have me do anything rash.

You fought with physicians for me.

And again, you thought nothing of hopping a plane when the school informed you that I might have had a stroke. Though I fought you, you were determined to have me home.

When the doctors and experts told you that I might not finish high school or be able to attend college and graduate on time, you told me I could.

I graduated from high school on time- you sent the doctor who had said I wouldn’t go an announcement of the fact.

And I knew you were proud of me then.

In college, you stood by me when the doctors had me on too much medication.

The one time I asked you to come due to a medication problem, you came.

And it was because of you that I took the path less traveled and wanted to go into the ministry. You supported me; you let me make the choice.

And so I went to seminary and you listened when the professors called me a liability. You did not believe them.

So what has changed now, Mom?

You get mad now if I talk about the pain.

You yell at me when I do too much when I feel well, though I learned it from you.

I know that Graves’s disease and pain are messing with your brain,

And maybe they have taken part of you.

Now, I dare not let the mask down before you, but I pretend that I am ok, 

Even when I long to tell you the truth, I can’t.

I try to make you happy and fail.

I don’t know what to do anymore to make you happy.

But I miss you and I love you.